HANGOVER

I talk about me and my hangover as if we are two separate entities, he the sadist I the masochist;I willingly submit to his punishment after a night where all the world seemed better and the people in my world more genial.
I am leaning over a cool white toilet leaving on it traces of my eye makeup and memories of the day before, and then… I open my mouth and let you know how I feel, I let it pour it out, sacrificing my dignity and yesterday’s meal.
How bad I feel as I let go of my tofu stir fry with low fat rice noodles .I make a mental apology to my tense and toned frail body as it’s shaking on the floor, spitting out the sour drink I’ve given it.
I think of the hours this week I’ve spent giving my outer layers a gloss of health.5 hours yoga in a heated sauna with a bunch of arrogant healthy elitists; 2hrs running on the cliff tops, countless sit ups on my faux sheepskin rug.
I say to my body, I’m a cheat. I’ve abused you I’m sorry I won’t do it again. I say those words like they are a temporary promise that will be returned to the self of my conscience by next weekend.
I hate him, my hangover, he reminds me of some boy I’m beguiled by .Someone my mother has warned me not to see , she’s seen the pain he puts me through. Yet when I roll over and risk opening my eyes this Sunday there i is my hangover embracing me in a nauseous grip.'He' smells of spirits and cigarettes I never smoked and he sounds like laughter, he mimics me.
I need a paper bag for my head today, I don’t want anyone to see what ive done to myself.I fought with indulgence last night 'jack', 'mr smirnoff' and I lost.
My hangover knows what he’s don’t to me, I need a paper bag to put over my head. I Remind myself that last night I was beautiful , last night dear hangover, you couldn’t touch me.
It satisfies me to compare my disappointing reflection to something. My memory banks dig .I raise a smile as I morph into Mr Pop from the board game of my childhood. My naked unmade up eyes make me think of his incomplete sad face when a player has failed to arrange the plastic features on it .I need packing up and putting away , at least till tomorrow.

I want lie to myself today. I want to look good and dress well. I want to go outside and make the most of that last day of a lingering summer. I want to
join the wreck heads I called my best friends the night before and sit on the pebbly beach and force down another cider.
My phone’s ringing somewhere. I already know what they say when I make excuses for my absence today…..
“Live Fast, Die Eventually”
And I Do